So, this week , AGAIN, I didn’t do anything on my ”personal wish list”. Why? Because when I had time I had NO ENERGY and when I had energy I had NO TIME. It’s as simple (and lame) as that. When I got home in the evenings, after a long day of thinking and creating at work, I was mentally and physically spent. I seem to have the most energy from about 10 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. but during that time, at least Monday through Friday, I’m always at work. On the weekends, that time is usually “chore time”. Although on Saturday and Sunday from 9:00-9:30 I am devoted to my Looney Tunes addiction. Thank you Cartoon Network for still playing those classics. They make me “MUY HAPPY”!
My job is important to me since I’m the sole breadwinner for my family (other than that laughable amount Uncle Sam donates through my husband’s Social Security Disability check). But even when I wasn’t the only one contributing to the bills, I took a lot of pride in my work. I get frequent recognition at work and the promotions and pay increases show that I am successful at work. As hard as I work, I can’t help but challenge myself to do more, do better, go farther. The question is, why can’t I do the same for myself in my personal life?
Let me give you some background on why I think I can’t:
We are on year 4 of my husband’s total disability and for the 2 years before that, his income started declining because he worked commission and as his health deteriorated he couldn’t work as much or as hard. What I make now is almost what he used to make 6 years ago (but with inflation, that’s still not doing it) and he makes WAY less than I did during that time. But our bills have not decreased. They, in fact, have INCREASED and we had to add a lot of Medical bills to it as well. Thank goodness we have outstanding health insurance because it could have been waaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse! So, for the last 6 years, we have blown through what little bit of savings we had and are pretty much living “paycheck to two paychecks from now”. Gasoline, utilities, food, mortgage, insurance, taxes, education… everything went up but our income went DOWN.
My husband was extremely active before he became disabled. He coached youth sports, officiated football and softball, was active in clubs, church, family activities. So, his disabilities have been very hard on him. But he still tries to do what he is able and does a damn good job of it too. He is motivated, positive, brave and strong. And I begrudge him that sometimes. I get so worried about paying the bills and taking care of our home that it has “shut me down” in the sense that I don’t want to DO anything for fear that it will cost money that we DON’T HAVE. Even if in the long run it is good for us…
I haven’t bought myself anything that I didn’t have a gift card from someone for in YEARS (like clothes, recreational items, etc.) And when I do buy something I really need (underwear, work clothes, etc.) I feel SOOOOOO guilty. Even though I know I shouldn’t. But then I remember that last paycheck we had $32.74 to get through the last 4 days of the week until my check was deposited into my account and that ‘s what makes me think that I SHOULD feel guilty.
So, maybe the problem isn’t Time and Energy… maybe the problem is MONEY. But then again, isn’t it always???